I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
