I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
