I want to make a zoo with you.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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