in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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