You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
As shirtless as possible
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
