I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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