I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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