I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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