you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Success! We fucked roommates!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
