You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
