i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
