i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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