It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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