if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
