my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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