im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
