also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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