On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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