Someone shit on the floor
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
