Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
