Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
