i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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