so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
