Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
