Can i not drive my cunt home
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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