New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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