I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
