I could have mohawked her pubes.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
