what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
