So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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