I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
