my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
