I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
