I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
bring money and cleavage
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
