He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
