The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
