I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
