I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
