my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Congratulations! We have a period
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