i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He? As in you personified your dick?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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