Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
As shirtless as possible
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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