Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
