I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
