was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
