Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
