I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
