Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
