The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize