I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
