Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
